


kingsman's shitty groupchat

by dri_zzle



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Charlie Hesketh & Roxy Morton Friendship, Charlie is a Good Guy, Eggsy Unwin & Roxy Morton Friendship, Eggsy Unwin is a Little Shit, Established Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Harry Hart as Arthur, Harry Hart is a Little Shit, M/M, Memes, Merlin Is So Done (Kingsman), Merlin is a Little Shit (Kingsman), Past Harry Hart/Merlin (Kingsman), Roxy Morton is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2020-05-07 06:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19203409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dri_zzle/pseuds/dri_zzle
Summary: egg(alahad)sy created Kingsman chat.egg(alahad)sy: welcome to a new era





	1. 1. KARMA'S A BITCH

**_egg(alahad)sy_** _created_ **kingsman** **chat**.  


  
**egg(alahad)sy** : welcome to a new era  
  
  


**Harry** : What is this, Eggsy?  
  
  


**egg(alahad)sy:** it’s a group chat , babe  
  
  


**roXy:** yeah, we can see that

and change your damn username, it’s difficult to read  
  
  


**egg(alahad)sy:** fineeeee  
jeez

  
  
**_egg(alahad)sy_** _changed his username to **egg**._

  


  
**the sorcerer:** Eggsy, I told you this was a bad idea. What if they hack us?  
  
  


**egg** : and that’s why you’re gonna tinker with our phones so we won’t get hacked ;)  
  
  


**the sorcerer:** I have a lot to do, Eggsy, for Christ sake.

But, fine, I’ll do it.  
  
  
  
**egg:** thank you, merlin!!  
  
  
  
**charliesangels** : the fuck is this? why am i here??????  
  


  
**Harry:** You are part of Kingsman, Charlie. How many times do we have to say that?

  
  
**charliesangels** : fine  
  


  
**egg:** i really love your nickname, bruv. It’s golden.

  
  
**charliesangels** : fuck off, eggy  
  
  


**roXy** : I mean, its pretty cool, charlie, and creative. Not as someone here.  
  
  
  
**charliesangels:** thanks, rox  
  
  


**egg** : oh, come on, rox. your fuckin nickname is your name with a capital X.  
  
  


**roXy:** i didn’t say it was you, egg.  
  
  


**egg:** then who?  
  
  


**roXy:** you.  
 I mean, c’mon, eggsy, Kingsman chat? Jesus, that’s dull.  
  
  


**egg:** its what it is!!  
  
  


**Harry:** Don’t bully Eggsy, I like the name.  
  


  
**the sorcerer:** of course you do.  
  
  


**egg:** yOU TOO??  
tRAITOR

   
  


**charliesangels** : just wondering  
eggsy, how did you get my phone number?  
  
  


**egg** : ehehehehehehehehehehehehehe  
does it matter?

   
  


**the sorcerer** : I believe he took Lancelot’s phone and copied it.  
  
  
  


**egg:** hOw did you know????  
  
  


**the sorcerer:** I have eyes everywhere, Galahad.  
  
  


**egg:** fuck off  
  
  


**Harry** : I think this may be really handy if we need to have a really important meeting and I can’t find some of you.  
  
  


**egg:** are you throwing shade at me, bruv?  
  
  


**Harry:** Me? Oh, no. I wouldn’t dare, bruv.  
  
  


**roXy:** lmao, Harry, you’re the best  
  


  
**charliesangels:** it’s funny that you only capitalize harry’s name.  
  
  
  
**roXy:** fuck off, Charlie.  
  
  
  
**egg:** HAHSHAKDBHK GET WRECKED  
  
  


**charliesangels:** you’re all so childish.  
  
  


**Harry:** I’m heading home for the day, anyone needs a ride besides Eggsy?  
  
  


**roXy:** I’m sorry, hold on. You’re going home for the day?? did merlin force you?  
  
  


**the sorcerer** : I did, he needs rest and since he doesn’t like the medic bay, I’m sending him home.  
  
  


**Harry:** Shut up, Hamish.  
  
  


**charliesangels:** hamish????  
  
  


**egg:** haMISH SKDJHSAKJGD  
  
  


**the sorcerer** : If anyone of you say something else about my name, I’ll shut down this chat forever.  
  
  


**charliesangels** : that would be nice  
  
  


**egg:** shUT UP, CHARLIE  
  
  


**roXy** : We could do a new one if he shuts down this.  
  
  


**egg** : roxy, you are amazing  
  
  
  
**roXy:** thank you, I know  
  
  


**PERCival** : I was in a mission  
what is this?  
  
  
**egg** : a chat  
so we can talk  
  
  


**PERCival** : oh, wow, I had no idea  
  
  


**roXy:** today’s the day

today we bully eggsy together  
  
  


**egg:** stOP  
harry! tell them to stop!!  
  
  


**Harry** : Stop making fun of Eggsy, please.  
  
  


**the sorcerer** : whipped.  
  
  


**charliesangels** : lmao  
  
  


**roXy** : yes, sir.  
  
  


**PERCival:** you can’t tell me what to do.  
  
  


**Harry:** You’re on desk duty for the rest of the week, Percival.  
  
  


**PERCival:** fuck  
  


  
**egg:** AHAHHASBAHBHA KARMA’S A BITCH  
  
  


 


	2. 2. that's  h o m o p h o b i c

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> egg: cAN I GET SOME WAFFLES??? CAN I pLeASE GET SOME WAFFLES?
> 
>  
> 
> roXy: it’s two in the morning, eggsy. im going to kill you

**the sorcerer** : Has any of you seen Eggsy?  
He’s supposed to be helping me with Gawain’s mission.  
  
  
**roXy:** eggsy??? i don’t know an eggsy??  
  
  
**charliesangels:** he’s out with his ‘mates’, he told me to help you

  
  
**roXy:** jesus, charlie  
you can’t keep a secret  
  
  
**carliesangels:** i can  
  
  
**Harry:** Sorry, Merlin, I forgot to tell you that I let Eggsy go with his friends. It’s Jamal’s birthday.  
I’ll help you with Gawain’s mission.  
  
  
**roXy:** you’re not with him????  
  
  
**Harry:** I was going to go after I finished some paperwork.  
  
  
**roXy:** then go, charlie, merlin and i can take care of Gawain’s mission.  
  
  
**Harry:** Thank you very much, Roxanne.  
  
  
**roXy** : it’s nothing, boss.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : Enough with the chit chat, come here immediately. Gawain’s not listening to me anymore.  
Harry, am I allowed to desk duty her for the rest of the month?  
  
  
**charliesangels** : desk duty her???  
  
  
**Harry** : No.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : fuck  
  
  
  
**[2:02 am]  
**  
  
**egg** : cAN I GET SOME WAFFLES??? CAN I pLeASE GET SOME WAFFLES?  
  
  
**roXy** : it’s two in the morning, eggsy. im going to kill you  
  
  
**Harry** : I’m afraid that’s not Eggsy.  
Eggsy is currently throwing up in the toilet.  
  
  
**egg** : eggsy sucks  
  
  
**charliesangels** : i like you  
  
**egg** : i like you to, sir  
i’m jamal, btw  
  
  
**roXy** : oh, the birthday boy, right?  
  
  
**egg** : ye  
i’m assuming you lot are eggsy’s work buddies  
  
  
**roXy** : you could say that  
and happy birthday, jamal  
  
  
**egg** : ty, roXy  
  
  
**charliesangels** : no  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : i swear to god, go to sleep  
  
  
**egg** : how about no  
  
  
**PERCival** : I like him  
Can we keep him??  
  
  
**roXy:** pleaseeee  
can we add him to the gc????  
Harryyyyy  
  
  
**Harry:** I don’t think that’s a good idea  
  
  
**egg:** pls adopt me  
I wont say shit  
  
  
**roXy:** we wont talk about work  
  
  
**PERCival:** we swear  
  
  
**Harry:** If Eggsy’s okay with this…  
  
  
**egg:** eggsy said yes sjdjshdsafhudia  
hold on, imma add me heheh  
can i add ryan and brandon, too???  
  
  
**roXy** : yesyesyesyesyes  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : I’m crying.

 

 **_egg_ ** _added **pb &jam**, **ryanair** and **breadon** to **Kingsman chat.**_

**_  
  
_ **

**pb &jam: **guys, this is eggsy’s work chat  
and we’ve been invited so don’t fuck this up  
  
  
**ryanair:** how the f uck can u write li ke tha t??’’ u r wastefc as fucck  
  
  
**pb &jam: **autocorrect, my son  


**roXy:** lmao  
also  
is eggsy still puking????  
  
  
**Harry:** He’s not.  
He’s sleeping in my lap.

  
  
**breadon:** eyyy, harreeeh  
  
  
**Harry:** Hello, Brandon.  
  
  
**pb &jam**: dudeee  
i love the fact that you are still awake and well at 2 am  
eggsy wpuld never lmao  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** Go to sleep, Harry  
and also, all of you  
You lot are giving me an hernia  
  
  
**Harry** : Goodnight.  
  
  
**roXy** : Goodnight, Harry.  
  
  
**charlieangels:** night  
  
  
**PERCival:** I don’t want to go to sleep  
  
  
**Harry:** Do you want another week in desk duty?  
  
  
**PERCival:** No, Sir.  
Goodnight, Sir.  
  
  
**pb &jam:** goodnight, mates!!!!!!  
  
  
**breadon** : what he saiud  
  
  
  
  
**[12:35 pm]**  
  
  
**egg** : what are brandon, ryan and jamal doing here????  
  
  
**pb &jam:** who are you again?  
  
  
**egg:** fuck off  
  
  
  
**roXy:** jamal stole your phone and befriended charlie and then we adopted him and his friends :)  
  
  
**PERCival:** They’re my sons, now  
  
  
**egg** : i fuckin hate all of you  
  
  
**breadon** : we love you too, man!  
  
  
**ryanair:** <333  
  
  
**pb &jam**: i don’t  
  
**  
charliesangels:** i really like you, man  
  
  
**roXy:** oh, god. charlie likes someone  
  
  
**charliesangels:** bye  
  
  
**egg:** bi bi bi  
  
  
**breadon:** we know u r bi, shut the fuck up  
  
  
**egg** : that’s h o m o p h o b i c  
  
  
**breadon** : f u c k  o f f  
  
  
**egg** : r u d e  
also  
is everyone in this chat gay??????  
  
**Harry** : Everyone knows I am.  
  
  
**roXy:** me lesbian  
  
  
**egg** : lesbean  
  
  
**PERCival** : I am.  
Gay, I mean.  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** That’s classified.  
  
  
**Harry** : He’s Pansexual.  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** fuck off, Harry  
  
  
**pb &jam:** bi gang  
  
  
**ryanair** : *gay gang  
  
  
**breadon** : im straight™  
  
  
**egg** : so, charlie and brandon are the only straights  
  
  
**roXy** : lmao  
who said charlie’s straight???  
  
  
**egg** : wait  
he’s nOT???  
  
  
**charliesangels** : @roXy die  
  
  
**roXy** : he had a crush on you, honey  
  
  
**egg** : he had whAT  
  
  
**charliesangels** : im GONNA KILL YOU ROXANNE MORTON  
I FUCKING SWEAR  
  
  
**pb &jam**: lmao  
harry, have u got something to say???  
  
  
**Harry** : I was aware of Mr. Hesketh’s crush in Eggsy, Merlin told me.  
  
  
**charliesangels** : I HATE ALL OF YOU  
  
  
**egg** : im-  
what  
  
  
**ryanair** : lmaooo  
  
  
**charliesangels** : roxy has a crush on tilde  
  
  
**roXy** : fUCK OFF  
  
  
**egg** : i-  
  
  
**breadon** : and i, oop-  
  


  
**_the sorcerer_** _added **princess tilde** to **Kingsman chat.  
**  
  
  
_

**roXy** : FUCK YOU, HAMISH  
  
  
**princess tilde** : hey, rox  
  
  
**roXy** : hi, tilde  
  
  
**egg** : lmao

  
**princess tilde** : eggsy!!!  
**  
  
egg**: tilde!!!  


**pb &jam**: TILDEEEEE, MY GAL  
  
  
**princess tilde:** jamal!!! i missed you guys!!  
  
  
**breadon** : babeeeeeeeee  
  
  
**princess tilde** : breadonnnnnn  
  
  
**ryanair** : hi sjdnsjks  
  
  
**princess tilde:** ryan!!!!  
we have to hang out the next time i go to London  
  
  
**pb &jam:** yesyesyesyesyes  
  
  
**charliesangels** : for fuck’s sake  
im going back to sleep  
  
  
**roXy** : it’s almost 13 pm  
  
  
**charliesangels** : soo???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!  
> if any of you are lost with the users and all of that jazz, please tell me so i can put it at the beginning of the chapters from now on c:


	3. 3. that's what he said.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ryanair: THAT’S WHAT HE SAID
> 
> egg: JSWDFSKFJD
> 
> ryanair: YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF GAY

**roXy:** who the fuck is singing??? i can hear them from outside the shop.

 

  
**Harry** : That would be Eggsy.

 

 

 **roXy** : i mean,,, he signs really good

  


**pb &jam**: I KNOW, RIGHT  
I HATE HIM  
  
  
**ryanair** : what’s he singing??  
  
  
**Harry** : Elton John.  
  
  
**ryanair** : damn  
he nails Elton  
  
  
**princess tilde** : he really does  
  
  
**roXy** : LET’S MAKE A KARAOKE NIGHT   
PLEASEEEEE  
  
**breadon** : ONLY IF WE CAN COME  
  
  
**roXy** : OF COURSE  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : please, no  
  
  
**Harry** : Who’s available tonight?  
  
  
**pb &jam**: me and the boys are free  
  
  
**charliesangels** : sad  
  
  
**pb &jam:** fuck u  
  
  
**roXy** : charlie’s available too  
and so am i  
  


**the sorcerer** : I can give my work to Gwen, she owes me one.  
  
  
**PERCival** : I am, also, available ;)  
  
  
**Harry** : Great. So, 8:30 pm at my place, then?  
  
  
**pb &jam**: WHERE DO YOU LIVE, BRUV  
  
  
**roXy** : we can give you guys a ride  
  
  
**ryanair** : yes, please, rox  
can we meet up at the black prince?  
  
  
**charliesangels** : ugh, fine  
  
  
**roXy** : coolio  
  
  
**egg** : wait, what’s going on??  
  
  
**PERCival** : KARAOKE NIGHT  
AT HARRY’S  
  
  
**egg** : OKAY  
  
  
  
**[8:22 pm]**  
  
  
  
**roXy** : charlie and I are at the pub  
@pb&jam @ryanair @breadon where are u, guys?????  
  
  
**ryanair** : hang on  
we’re finishing our beers  
  
  
**charliesangels** : for fuck sake  
  
  
**pb &jam**: i’ll throw you through the window, charlie  
  
  
**roXy** : please do  
  
  
**charlieangels** : fuck both of you  
  
  
**PERCival** : Wait  
does any of you have a karaoke machine??  
  
  
**Harry** : Don’t worry, Percy. I have one.  
It’s quite old, but it’ll do just fine.  
  
  
**pb &jam:** fuck yeah  
  
  
**egg** : did you threw charlie off the window yet??  
  
  
**pb &jam**: nah, he’s shotgun and i cant reach him  
  
  
**egg** : bummer  
  
  
**pb &jam**: ik   
  


**charliesangels** : I hate you  
  
  
**ryanair** : charlie tried to hit jamal but hit brandon instead shjjdsjakhfd  
  
  
**egg** : LMAO  
  
  
**princess tilde** : oh no  
is brandon alright?  
  
  
**breadon** : im fine, tilde  
charlie’s just an dickhead  
  
  
**charliesangels** : I WAS AIMING AT JAMAL  
FOR FUCK SAKE  
  
  
**pb &jam:** THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID  
  
  
**charliesangels** : can i jump off the car??  
  
  
**pb &jam:** please do  
  
  
**Harry** : No.  
  
  
**charliesangels** : :(  
  
  
  
**[10:09 pm]  
  
**  
**egg** : where are you guys???? @pb&jam @breadon @ryanair  
i went to the bathroom and when i got back you lot were gone????  
  
  
**ryanair** : were out  
smoking eheheheh  
  
  
**egg** : fuck  
i’ll be there in a sec  
  
  
**Harry:** Get inside, now.  
Merlin’s about to sing a country song.  
  
**  
egg:** oMG jsdsjkahshsdao **  
  
  
PERCival: **it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen  
  
**  
breadon:** he sings pretty well  
damn **  
  
  
princess tilde**: are there any videos??? ****  
  


 

 **roXy** : _[countryroadstakemehome.mp4]_

 

 

 **princess tilde** : oh wow  
i didn’t know Merlin could sing that well  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : Thank you, Princess.  
  
  
**princess tilde** : yw!!  
  
  
**egg** : welp  
there goes the karaoke machine  
  
  
**princess tilde** : what happened??  
  
  
**pb &jam**: charlie kicked it and broke it  
  
  
**charliesangels:** IT WAS AN ACCIDENT  
  
  
**ryanair** : THAT’S WHAT HE SAID  
  
  
**egg** : JSWDFSKFJD  
  
  
**ryanair:** YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF GAY  
  
  
**breadon:** stop with the office us references  
please  
  


**ryanair** : never  
  
  
**roXy** : lmao  
  
  



	4. 4. rip merlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the sorcerer: ugh  
> I hate everything and everyone
> 
> roXy: we been knew
> 
> PERCival: That’s common knowledge, Merlin.

**pb &jam**: do you think that if, let’s say, captain america was patrolling and saw, i don’t know, vulture… would he be like: ‘’yo, spidey, you have one here. imma go make myself some apple pie bc im american while you fight that dirty old bastard’’??  
  
  
**egg** : yes  
  
  
**roXy** : i think he would help but yes  
  
  
**ryanair** : ye  
  
  
**PERCival** : Uhhhh  
What the fuck?  
  
  
**breadon** : false  
he would be like ‘’yo, queens, go wreck that motherfucker while i sit there and make out with my boyfriends, bucky and tony’’  
  
  
**roXy** : OH GOD YES  
  
  
**egg** : YESYESYES HE WOUKD SJDJS  
  
  
**charliesangels** : tony’s dead  
  
  
**breadon** : GO FUCK YOURSELF CHARLES  
  
  
**Harry** : I’m not sure Captain America would be saying ‘yo’, he’s about 90 years old. Or was.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : ouch  
  
  
**egg** : you hurt me, harry  
  
  
**Harry** : Sorry, darling ;)  
  
  
**roXy** : ;)  
  


**pb &jam**: ;)

 

**egg** : changING SUBJECT  
so…  
can anyone dogsit JB and Mr. Pickles Jr?????  
  
  
**breadon** : where are u two going, u rascals??  
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
  
**egg** : nowhere heheh  
  
  
**roXy** : sure  
i’ll do it, oracle misses them anyway  
  
  
**pb &jam**: u called your dog oracle???? as in batman’s oracle??  
  
  
**roXy** : no  
shut up  
  
  
**Harry** : Thank you so much, Roxanne.  
I can trust you with Mr. Pickles Jr, unlike some people.  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** Fuck you, Harry.  
He just peed, once.  
  
  
**Harry** : In my bed.  
Twice.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : Fine, twice.  
Jesus.  
  
  
**egg** : how come you write different each time??  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** I write as I please.  
And it also depends if I worked that day or not.  
If I did, I don’t bother to look for mistakes.  
  
  
**egg** : fuck, bruv  
now i feel bad  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : You should.

 

  
**ryanair** : smh  
u are a bad boy, eggsy  
  
  
**egg** : shut up  
  
  
**ryanair** : harry should do something about that ;)  
  
  
**Harry** : I really don’t know what to say right now.

  
  
**egg** : shUT THE FUCK UP JDSKKLHFU  
  
  
**pb &jam**: eggsy just threw his shoe to ryan from across the room shjfs  
it hit him in the face hsdjs  
  
  
**breadon** : [yeet.mp4]  
  
  
**roXy** : hell yeah, that’s my boy  
  
  
**PERCival** : Nice shot, Eggsy.  
  
  
**egg** : thank you very much, Percival  
  
  
**Harry** : Eggsy, those were your nice shoes. Now they’re ruined with blood, again.  
  
  
**egg** : sorry, Harry.  
  
  
**pb &jam:** hold on…  
again?????  
did you hit someone without us knowing???  
  
  
**egg** : uhhhh  
  
  
**Harry** : It was just some pricks down in the pub.  
  
  
**ryanair** : yeah, those suck  
  
  
**breadon** : yup  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** Also… Have a great time in Greece, you two.  
  
  
**egg** : go to hell  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : I’m already in it.  
  
  
**Harry** : Merlin.  
I’m assigning you to help in all of Eggsy’s and Charlie’s missions from now on.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : Oh, please, c’mon… not those two!  
  
  
**Harry** : Yes.  
  
  
**charliesangels** : i feel offended  
  
  
**egg** : yeah, same here  
  
  
**roXy** : you two are the worst  
  
  
**breadon** : wait, hold on  
what do you guys work at????  
i thought you all worked at a tailor shop???  
  
  
**egg** : yep   
that’s what we do ahaha  
  
  
**Harry** : Let’s just say that Eggsy and Charlie are a little reckless.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : A LITTLE???  
THEY JUST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK THE LAST TIME I WAS ASSIGNED TO THEM  
  
  
**charliesangels** : oh, don’t exaggerate.  
we’re not that bad.  
  
  
**egg** : welp  
  
  
**pb &jam**: i mean,,,, eggsy is a disaster  
  
  
**eggsy** : okay, first of all: fuck off and second of all: fuck off  
  
  
**pb &jam:** anyways  
why are u two going to greece????  
and why didn’t you guys wanted us to know????  
  
  
**egg** : bc you all would do a scene like the prick u are  
  
  
**Harry** : Besides, we agreed to tell you when we were already there.  
  
  
**roXy:** smooth  
  
  
**Harry** : Thank you, Roxanne.  
And we are going to Greece because Eggsy’s never been there, and it’s one of my favourite places in the world.  
  
  
**egg** : isn’t he a cutie  
  
  
**roXy** : i agree  
  
  
**pb &jam:** i’m pretty sure that all of us has/had a crush on Harry  
  
  
**ryanair** : can confirm  
  
  
**breadon** : i mean,,,, ye  
  
  
**roXy** : no comment  
  
  
**PERCival** : I had a crush on him when I started to work here.  
  
  
**princess tilde** : he’s really cute  
  
  
egg: he’s blushing  
_[uwu.jpg]_  
  
  
**princess tilde** : awwww

  
  
**charliesangels** : ha  
you’re all pathetic  
  
  
**egg** : shut up, charlie  
u had a crush on me  
  
  
**charliesangels** : fuckk offfff

  
  
**egg** : no, thank u  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** ugh  
I hate everything and everyone  
  
  
**roXy** : we been knew  
  
  
**PERCival** : That’s common knowledge, Merlin.  
  
  
**Harry:** You’re not getting away from the punishment.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : fuck  
  
  
**Harry** : In fact, I’ll tell Eggsy to behave worse than normal.  
  
  
**egg** : welp  
sdjskjajdls  
  
  
**roXy** : rip merlin


	5. 5. Mario Kart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> charliesangels: you never respected me
> 
>  
> 
> the sorcerer: Well, not anymore

**PERCival** : How is Greece?  
  
  
**egg** : nice!!  
[19 images attached]  
  
  
**roXy** : oh wow  
  
  
**princess tilde** : you two are so cute!!!  
  
  
**egg** : ty, tilde!!  
:D  
  
  
**princess tilde** : ^u^  
  
  
**breadon** : cUTE  
  
  
**ryanair** : harry’s curly hair is the best thing i’ve ever seen in my whole life i-  
  
  
**egg** : I KNOWEJL  
  
  
**Harry** : Thank you, Ryan. I appreciate it.  
And, Roxy, how are JB and Mr. Pickles Jr?  
  
  
**roXy** : oracle is taking care of them just fine  
[doggies.jpeg]  
  
  
egg: aawwwww  
i miss them :(  
tell JB i’ll be back soon  
  
  
**roXy** : will do <3  
  
  
**egg** : <3  
  
  
**pb &jam**: guess whos beating charlie at mario kart  
this booyyyyy  
  
  
breadon: hells yeah  
  
  
**roXy** : i love u, dude  
pls record it  
  
  
**ryanair** : i’m gonna record it  
hold on  
  
  
**roXy** : yesss  
  
  
ryanair: [mariokart.mp4]  
  
  
**roXy** : I LOVE THISSS  
CHARLIE USIN WALUIGI AS HIS CHARACTER IS 10/10  
  
  
**egg** : ‘you fucking fuckhead fuck’ – charlie hesketh, 2019  
skjdjskfh  
  
  
**ryanair** : okay but charlie throwing the control at jamal is the best thing ever  
  
  
**breadon** : it’s even better in person skjda  
charlie’s pissed™  
  
  
**PERCival** : I remember playing the first Mario as a teen.  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : I used to play it when I was in college.

  
**roXy** : you two are Old™  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : Hush  
  
  
**ryanair** : charlie just left djksla  
he won’t talk to us ahsjha  
  
  
**roXy** : he’s such a drama king  
  
  
**charliesangels** : fuCK  
I JUST SAW A FUCKING DEAD PIGEON IN FRONT OF JAMAL’S PLACW  
I-  
  
  
**ryanair** : so????  
  
  
**breadon** : posh  
  
  
**egg** : lmao  
  
  
**roXy** : women up, charlie  
  
  
**charliesangels** : fuck u  
it was awful, okay????  
  
  
**pb &jam**: sure it was  
  
  
**the sorcerer** : If a dead pigeon it’s all it takes to make you run the other way, I don’t think I’ll respect you anymore  
  
  
**charliesangels** : you never respected me  
  
  
**the sorcerer:** Well, not anymore  
  
  
**roXy** : drag him, merlin


	6. 6. gym buddies

**egg** : [gym buddies.jpg]  
  
  
**roXy** : we look fine

 

**the sorcerer** : Of course the first thing you do when you get back is going to the gym...  
  
  
**pb &jam**: SINCE WHEN DOES FUCKING CHARLIE HAVE A FUCKING METAL ARM?!?!?!?!?!!?  
  
  
**charliesangels** : since i lost my arm  
  
  
**pb &jam:** BITCH  
WHEN DID U LOSR YOUR ARM  
  
  
**charliesangels** : around 4 years ago  
  
  
**egg** : u didn’t know????  
  
  
**pb &jam**: NO  
HES ALWAYS WEARINH LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS OR JACKET AND HE NEVER TAKES IT OFF

 

**charliesangels** : i get cold

 

**ryanair** : thats so dopeee  
man, u look cool as fuck

 

**breadon** : ya, like terminator!

 

**charliesangels** : ty

 

**Harry** : Speaking of your arm, Charlie.  
Merlin has a new prototype he wants to test.

 

**the sorcerer** : I’m right here, I could have told him.

 

**Harry** : Well, I told him.

 

**charliesangels** : omw

 

**roXy** : anyways  
eggsy  
u know anything about tilde??  
shes been mia

 

**egg** : ye  
shes kinda busy with all her duties as princess

 

**roXy** : oh  
i hope shes fine tho

 

**PERCival** : oh god  
i’m sick of your pining  
just tell her!!

 

**roXy** : shUT UP

 

**egg** : i agree with percy  


**breadon** : yess  
im pretty sure she likes u back

 

**ryanair** : yes!

 

**roXy** :  gUYS, SHE CAN SEE THIS  
AND OKAY  
I’LL TELL HER  


**egg** : now

 

**roXy** : OKAY  
JESUS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the shortness!!


	7. 7. photographs and confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> roXy: anyWAYS  
> im not going to let this go just bc the boss said so  
> u guys pestered me with my crush with tilde  
> im gonna pester you

**breadon** : just found some baby eggsy pics

 

 **roXy** : yEs pleASE WE WANT THEM

 

 **breadon** : [baby eggsy.jpeg] [eggsy’s school dance.jpeg] [eggsy, michelle and lee.jpeg]

 

 **egg** : where did you get those from??

 

 **breadon** : your mum emailed them to me  
for... something

 

 **ryanair** : could you be more suspicious  
jesus

 

 **pb &jam:** don’t provoke him

 

 **egg** : i forgot about the last one...

 

 **roXy** : that’s your dad, right?

 

 **egg** : yes

 

 **Harry** : You look really cute in the school dance one.  
Are you Robin Hood?

 

 **egg** : yup

 

 **charliesangels** : well, thats fitting

 

 **the sorcerer** : I remember the last one, Lee would usually carry it around, showing it to everyone he found

 

 **roXy** : that’s so cute!

 

 **princess tilde** : awww

 

 **PERCival** : I remember that  
He was really proud of his boy

 

 **egg** : stop  
please  
can we talk about something else?

 

 **Harry** : Of course.  
Anyone wants to say anything?

 

 **roXy** : yes!  
so, i finally asked tilde out...

 

 **pb &jam**: and???

 

 **charliesangels** : !!

 

 **princess tilde** : i said yes!

 

 **charliesangels** : !!!!!

 

 **ryanair** : aaAHHHHH

 

 **breadon** : FUCK YES  
TILDE AND ROXY YES  
FUCKING FINALLY

 

 **PERCival** : oh, thank god  
now you can stop talking about her all the time

 

 **egg** : i think it’s gotta get worse

 

 **roXy** : yup

 

 **pb &jam**: charlie is squealing at the news  
[squeek.mp4]

 

 **roXy** : awww  
ty charlie!

 

 **egg** : *eyes emoji*  
what are you two doing alone??

 

 **charliesangels** : revenge

 

 **pb &jam**: we playing some more mario kart  
he thinks he can win lmao

 

 **Harry** : Congratulations, Roxanne and Tilde!

 

 **princess** **tilde** : thank you so much, Harry!!

 

 **roXy** : ty, Sir

 

 **the sorcerer** : fuckin finally  
jesus  
now it’s time for charlie and jamal

 

 **egg** : yes lmao

 

 **charliesangels** : what the fuck

 

 **pb &jam**: uhhhh

 

 **ryanair** : dude  
there’s some tension in there  
and it might be sexual

 

 **breadon** : it is sexual

 

 **Harry** : Let’s not suppose things that may not be true.

 

 **egg** : you’re such a cutie

 

 **Harry** : and you’re a cheeky bastard.

 

 **egg** : i agree  
babe

 

 **roXy** : anyWAYS  
im not going to let this go just bc the boss said so  
u guys pestered me with my crush with tilde  
im gonna pester you

 

 **pb &jam**: harry!!!  
help!! youre the pnly one that has a brain cell in this chat

 

 **Harry** : That’s fair, Roxy.  
Sorry,  Jamal.

 

 **pb &jam**: fuCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay!! i've just been having a very bad summer and my right hand/arm hurts like hell :(   
> but i'm kinda back!!  
> this chapter goes for the people that saw the potential in charlie and jamal lmao love u
> 
> hope u enjoyed it!!!


	8. 8. a bat!

**egg** : YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

 

**PERCival** : What happened?

 

**egg** : A FUCKING BAT JUST FLEW IN TO HARRY’S  
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

 

**roXy** : wait, hang on... a fucking bat in london??

 

**egg** : YES  
I DONT KNOW HOW BUT YES  
ITS GONE NOW, THANK FUCK

 

**ryanair** : pics or it didn’t happened

 

**egg** : WELL IM SORRY THAT I DIDNT THINK OF THAT

 

**Harry** : Hush, Eggsy. Just say that you left your phone in the other room and were scared to get it.

 

**egg** : OKAY, FINE  
I DIDNT WANTED THE BAT TO FUCKING KILL ME

 

**princess tilde** : what actually happened?  
eggsy?

 

**egg** : okay, well  
so we were just chilling in the sofa watching love island and a fucking bat flew in  
and, obviously, i ran to the other room because i didn’t wanted a damn bat to scratch me

 

**charliesangels** : obviously

 

**egg** : Harry followed me and we stayed there till it went away

 

**the sorcerer** : more like Harry wanted to help it get out and every time he made a move you screamed like a fucking dying cat

 

**egg** : shut the fuck up, merlin  
you were hiding in the fucking loo

 

**roXy** : oh my god  
merlin... im  
disappointed

 

**the sorcerer** : Shut it, Roxanne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is totally based in a true story lmao im just gonna say that harry was my mom, i was eggsy and my 20-year-old brother was merlin.
> 
> also, so sorry for taking so long to write! i've just been really burned out and busy :(  
> again, thank yall so much for reading!


	9. 9. missing lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> roxy's lunch goes missing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **r** **oXy** : who the fuck ate my fucking lunch

 

 **charliesangels** : i had lunch at a restaurant 

 

 **egg** : of course you did

 

 **roXy** : eggsy?? 

 

 **egg:** i had some salad that harry packed me

 

 **Harry** : Eggsy… 

 

 **egg** : what? 

 

 **Harry** : I didn't pack you lunch.

 

 **roXy** : *i* had a fucking salad, you fucking asshole

 

 **egg:** im sorry!! 

I'll make it up to you! 

let me buy you lunch!! 

 

 **roXy** : you fucking better

 

 **pb &jam**: for a second there I thought eggsy was gonna die™

 

 **charliesangels** : i did hoped so

 

 **egg:** fuck off man

 

 **roXy** : I'm waiting

 

 **egg** : I'm going!!! 

 

 **Harry** : Have a nice lunch, Roxy. 

 

 **roXy** : thank you

 

 **the sorcerer** : I once ate Roxy's lunch… 

 

 **ryanair** : what happened? 

 

 **the sorcerer:** She locked me in the bathroom

 

 **ryanair** : fuck

 

 **Harry** : I remember that. 

You were trying to get out from the bathroom through the tiny window. 

 

 **the sorcerer:** Fuck off

 

 **charliesangels** : that would've been great to witness

 

 **PERCival** : It was

 

 **egg** : i was also on the bathroom 

 

 **ryanair** : lmao

what did you do? 

 

 **egg** : i got out

 

 **breadon** : through the tiny window?? 

 

 **egg** : yup

 

 **ryanair** : iconic

 

 **charliesangels** : mhmm

that's because you're fucking tiny

 

 **egg** : fuck off mate

 

 **charliesangels** : just telling the fucking truth

 

 **the sorcerer** : You *are* short. 

 

 **egg:** i don't deserve this

 

 **Harry** : I mean… they're right.

 

 **egg** : im wounded

 

 **Harry** : Sorry, love. 

 

 **roXy** : ha ha

fuck you eggsy

that's the karma! 

 

 **egg:** no

that's merlin and charlie being fucking morons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. happy new year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ryan, charlie and eggsy talk. jamal is wasted.

 

 **pb &jam**: HAPPY FUCKING BEW YEAR

 

 **charliesangels** : are u okay?

 

 **ryanair** : nah, mate

he's wasted as fuck

 

 **charliesangels** : how come you're not???

 

 **ryanair** : designated driver

 

 **charliesangels** : oof

 

 **ryanair** : anyways

what are you doing? you with the family?

 

 

 **charliesangels** : lmao no

they're dead and even if they weren't i wouldn't be w them

 

 **ryanair** : yikes

 

 **charliesangels** : im at home alone

watching old episode of the great british bake off

 

 **ryanair** : that's sad mate

why don't u come to the pub with us??

 

 **charliesangels** : i don't know…

 

 **ryanair** : jamal wants you to come

 

 **pb &jam**: yEs plase

 

 **egg** : ey mate

c'mon, even harry and merlin are here

 

 **charliesangels** : okay

 

 **pb &jam**: YESSS

 

 **ryanair** : and roxy and percival can come too

 

 **egg** : they're with roxy's family

 

 **ryanair** : oh well

anyways, get here asap charlie

jamal won't stop whining

 

 **charliesangels** : omw

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh, I'm really sorry!!! i've been having an awful couple of months and i have a really important test coming up in a couple of weeks and I've been studying non-stop and I haven't had the time to sit down and write. I'm really, really sorry!!
> 
> I promise that after the test I'll start posting more!

**Author's Note:**

> hope yall liked it! <3  
> kudos and comments keep my soul well fed and happy uwu


End file.
